Neglecting the Gift

This morning, I had the heart wrenching task of finding a beloved sheep dead in my barn. It appeared that she had eaten grain way too fast and was not able to free it from her throat. Basically, she choked to death. While my husband had done the feeding chores last evening, he casually mentioned how this sheep was really gobbling down her food and had begun coughing some when he was leaving the barn.  Sadly, I dismissed his comment ever so casually and went on to other tasks at hand inside the house. This was a grave error on my behalf.

When I began doing my chores this morning, I could not find this ewe. But, in the stir of a hungry flock, I completed the grain feeding and began to count the sheep at the trough. There was one missing. As I passed through the barn, I caught a glimpse of a sheep leg, lying in a stall to one side and my heart stopped. Sometimes, you just know and yet the hope of it not being too late still rises up. This was not the case today. It was evident she had died last night, unable to fully cough up the grain she had so eagerly welcomed just awhile before.

Through my tears, I hugged her and said how sorry I was. I should have asked my husband more questions about how exactly she was behaving and maybe I could have gotten there sooner. Better yet, I should have gone down to the barn to check on her, just to be sure. But I hadn't and now, there was nothing more I could do except to begin the task of having to bury my woolly friend.

And, it was in these very moments, God began convicting my heart, ever so gently and only as a Father can. You see, lately I have been content to just go the motions of every day and simply existing within it. I have neglected to see each one as precious yet full of uncertainty. Most of all, I have failed to look at things in the light of eternity. My eyes have so clouded with the hum-drum that life can sometimes throw at you. And it is during the boring repetition that I find it can be easy for me just to shut down emotionally, to flip that proverbial "switch" so that I feel nothing therefore I do nothing. Just trying to get through another day...Apathy breeds nothing but contempt for the Truth.

For so long, I have hidden behind the cloak of not knowing my place in this world, that thing I am supposed to be doing for the Kingdom -- you know, the one thing that seems so elusive to you and that if only you could somehow find it, life would be complete. Everything would be rosy and you could simply do what God wanted you to do. That is a mask I have hidden behind for the past year. A mask that simply has hidden a need for control. Not the kind of control where I would be able to somehow be able to change or manipulate things but simply the control of knowing. In my own mind, if you know that you are supposed to be doing, then things are so much easier, right?

Such little faith in what the Father can do if only I would trust Him. Isn't that what it boils down to? A lack of trust? For me, this is so apparent lately. Even as I questioned what had happened to my sheep this morning, my focus was more on what I could have done for her. It is very possible there may not have been anything that would have changed things. I guess for me it was more about my failure to do anything that was so difficult for me today. This is difficult because it seems to be a reflection on so many of my actions lately. Not that my doing anything would have an affect but the fact I felt nothing, no urgent need to double check, no concern really, just an "oh, she'll be OK; after all, she's done that before and nothing happened" attitude.

So, here I am in the barn trying to see through all my tears as I fill the hay troughs, wondering "What the heck, God???" And then, my mind is brought to the little sub-heading under this blog where it reads:

Day to day thoughts and happenings often fall by the way-side left untouched to reasoning behind it all. The book of Ecclesiastes says "...there is a time and purpose for everything under Heaven...". To me, this means nothing, NOTHING, goes unnoticed by our Heavenly Father, no matter how large or small we may think it is. With that in mind, how much more should we consider (and reconsider) our every thought, action, reaction, etc. ?

How much more should we consider and reconsider our every thought, action and reaction? Think on that! Our action and reaction affects so much more than we can ascertain in this temporal life. Our failure to even take the first step in faith, without knowing what lies ahead can affect the outcomes of many. What if we never shared our faith? How many might perish without ever knowing Christ? What if we simply were faithful in those small things and didn't worry about the bigger things? What if we went forth in the planting of those seeds God has given us and not concentrated so much on watching them develop. Sometimes we are to plant, other times God allows us to reap the harvest. And its not always in the same field.

You see, sometimes doing nothing affects far more than we may ever realize. Doing nothing, while it keeps up in a numb state of existence, it wrecks havoc on our relationships, especially with Christ. Doing nothing is totally different than "waiting on the Lord" (a nice cover, by the way). It's the complete opposite. Doing nothing has no outcome, no goal, no set achievement to be made. When you are waiting on something, you have an expectation of something to happen. Doing nothing is a road full of regrets. It is a place of apathy, a state of numbness and lack of feeling.  A sort of apostasy, if you will. 

This is a dangerous place to be. Apostasy can be defined as "abandonment of previous loyalty; defection". The Bible warns us about the Great Apostasy, the great falling away that must occur before the antichrist is revealed. 2 Thessalonians 2-4 reads "Now, dear brothers and sisters, let us clarify some things about the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and how we will be gathered to meet him. Don’t be so easily shaken or alarmed by those who say that the day of the Lord has already begun. Don’t believe them, even if they claim to have had a spiritual vision, a revelation, or a letter supposedly from us. Don’t be fooled by what they say. For that day will not come until there is a great rebellion against God and the man of lawlessness is revealed—the one who brings destruction. He will exalt himself and defy everything that people call god and every object of worship. He will even sit in the temple of God, claiming that he himself is God."   

This is a scripture I have been reading for several mornings lately and it wasn't totally clear to me as to why until today. God loves each one us way too much to leave us in a place we are not meant to be. This state of apathy, void of feeling and desire to do His perfect will, is not a happy place. It's a place of existence but without true life. I have been walking this fine line of going through the motions of life to avoid feeling its disappointments and I have been robbed of its joys in the process. I have allowed apathy to invade my life in various aspects and its numbing affect is quite apparent lately. 

God showed me this morning that I have concentrated more on knowing His plan than in seeking His plan. I have wanted to see the result before taking the first step. I have wanted to get to the end of the road rather than simply walk with Him along the path. And I've missed out on the journey itself. It is in the journey that we find His joy.

We are not promised a life free of disappointments. In fact, scripture plainly tells us "...in the world, you will have tribulation..." John 16:33. This is an inescapable truth: Trials will come, tribulations will test our faith. But Christ also says, "...but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world" again in John 16:33. We must faithfully take each moment of every day, fully trusting Him to lead and guide us, not jumping ahead into next week to see what lies ahead. Faith must drive us, it must guide us in these last days in which we live. Without faith, do we have any hope of the life Christ has for us?

In closing, God brought me back to 1 Timothy 4:14-16:

"Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you by prophecy with the laying on of the hands of the eldership. Meditate on these things; give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all. Take heed to yourself and to the doctrine. Continue in them, for in doing this you will save both yourself and those who hear you."

Let it be so, Lord, let it be so.